The impact of stress on relationships.

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s likely that you’ll put a lot of effort into presenting yourself at your best – being for a short time unnaturally well-dressed, shiny haired and delightful. It’s more than natural for this to slide a bit once you get more comfortable with each other, and plenty of intimacy is about your partner witnessing you in your least attractive pants, slightly smelly and clipping your toenails – and still thinking you’re wonderful. But while you can’t be a irresistible love god at all times, prioritising the needs of your partner and putting in the effort needed to make them feel appreciated is something that needs to be done throughout a relationship.

Stress makes this difficult because you become exhausted, short tempered and inward-looking, obsessing over worries and finding it difficult to make time for others. If you are both stressed out, this becomes worse, as you start arguing with regularity and perpetuating each other’s problems. However, it can be just as bad when one half of the partnership becomes chronically stressed out and the other has to step into a “caretaker role”. Here they may find their own feelings are consistently neglected, and that they are shouldering the entire emotional weight of the relationship.

The impact of stress on relationships is clear when you consider that low-income couples are more likely to divorce. Money is a leading cause of stress in relationships, according to a survey conducted by SunTrust Bank. As those on a low income sometimes find themselves working long hours in jobs they feel don’t have a future, it’s clear how this could affect partnerships and marriages. Add to this the pressure of bills, annoyance if your partner has gone over budget and less opportunity to treat each other, and relationships can fall apart.

Stress also changes your perception and can make you view your relationship in a negative light. For example, help from your partner that you would have otherwise seen as supportive now comes off as interfering. Or perhaps a thoughtless, throwaway remark you’d dismiss as an innocent mistake if you were in a better frame of mind suddenly seems like a calculated act designed to upset you. Furthermore, snapping and becoming angry at your partner can make you feel terrible – fuelling your guilt and their resentment, and making the whole relationship seem unsustainable.

Lastly, stress can have a disastrous affect on your libido. Daily stress can make you insecure, with a low opinion of yourself and poor body image – none of which are likely to put you in a romantic mood. But even without your confidence being knocked, the physical impact of the hormones such as cortisol is that sex hormones are hindered. Feeling exhausted, distracted by worries and less well-disposed towards your partner all play a role. You are much less likely to want to sleep with your partner if stress means you are finding it difficult to even like them.

So, how can you stop stress ruining your relationship?

In order to make your partner a priority, you need to first look after yourself. Making yourself the calmest and happiest you can be will put you in the best position to give a relationship the time and attention it needs. This is especially true if you are both stressed out – starting with yourselves rather than perceived problems with the relationship could really help. Neither of you can expect the other to entirely shoulder the responsibility of each other’s stress, and you may well find many of the issues you thought were the fault of the relationship are in fact symptoms of a pressured lifestyle.

If you’re finding that work and other aspects of life are encroaching on time where you should be together, enforce a “digital detox” where neither of you check emails, read the news or scroll through social media accounts for a few hours each evening. If you’re worried about money, or your job, make sure you communicate this is in a non-accusatory and non-aggressive way, and leave it behind once the discussion is over – concentrating instead on enjoying each others company. You can also perhaps meditate together, feeling the benefits of calm and rest in a companionable way.

Other tips include not allowing laptops, smartphones or tablets in bed, making the effort to avoid negative assumptions (giving your partner the benefit of the doubt can go a long way), and treating your partner with respect – regardless of how you’re feeling. Even at your most irritable you shouldn’t belittle or dismiss your partner’s feelings, and this is something you should absolutely expect them to adhere to as well, even if they are having a tough time. But ultimately, identifying the true source of your stress and addressing it (whether through major life changes or techniques such as meditation) is the key to keeping stress from ruining your relationship.