Give me your love not your power

One of the most fascinating aspects of relationship dynamics is the ubiquity of surreptitious power struggles, and the conditionality of the love often found on offer. This applies regardless of whether the relationships are platonic or romantic. It’s strange how we may try and dominate one another, or how we may brazenly give our power away in the face of any show of dominance from another, especially when it’s so abundantly clear that the person making power moves is only doing so because of some deeply held insecurity they have. They may be bold and brash, they may seem very sure footed in their maneuverings, but they’re only being sure footed because there is a certain familiarity for them in this type of posturing, and they’re usually terrified of being vulnerable, and hence mask it with said posturing. It may have also been modelled for them by someone influential in their formative years. Similarly, when it comes to the free flowing exchange of love, often it isn’t free at all. It’s a currency that is offered in barter for someone else’s love, respect, attention or adoration. True love is unconditional, and actually most of the love we are presented with would stop the moment we don’t meet certain of the other person\’s conditions…one of which maybe ‘give me your power and I’ll give you my love’.

Neither party may be aware of this, in fact I very much doubt that many people realise these are the subconscious tricks that they are getting up to. But it’s there, and we know this because all you have to do to test the theory is decline to reciprocate with someone for a short while and you’ll soon see that for some people, the love given is actually a response to another individual\’s need for love. We can still call it love if we like, because those feelings continue to be incredibly powerful and compelling, but they actually have as strong a similarity to the pathology of addiction as they do to love. There is a dependency at the heart of it, and that’s not love, because true love is a force that is independent of any ROI. For those of you not familiar, ROI is a financial term that means ‘Return On Investment’. How many people do you know who apparently give love but seemingly keep score as they do so…adjusting the outflow according to the inflow? The simple reality is we humans are capable of offering endless streams of love, and that doesn’t mean we have to match it with endless streams of giving. In fact, true love doesn’t try to over give, because it knows that the individual needs space and independence to grow into. That brings us nicely back to theme of power. How many people fight for dominance? Fight for the need to be right? Fight to have their ideas heard above others? And how many people subconsciously search to be dominated? To abdicate responsibility to others? To replicate a pattern from earlier in life? And then bitch about them behind their backs (and sometimes to their face), about how unfair it is that they have take all their power? But people can’t steal your power. You have to agree to it. They can steal your home. They can steal your money. They can opportunistically deny you all sorts of things. But whilst they may be able to limit you in the external world. They have absolutely no access to your internal world unless you give it to them (See Nelson Mandela during his time in Robben Island as an excellent example). It may take a lot of unlearning to separate these two things. Unlearning the desire to steal or give away your power takes time, patience, discipline and honesty. But it can be done. Likewise, reigning yourself in every time you are subconsciously trying to impress someone, or get them to reciprocate, initially takes increased self awareness, and then takes a willingness to interact in ways that are different to what you are accustomed to. With time, and patience, we can flip the dynamic, so that you give love without need, and you stay in your power without feeling the need to try and steal from others (or giving it away). Bit by bit, we will find ourselves offering more and more love, without expectation and agenda, and we can stand in our power, not to defend ourselves, nor to attack others, but simply to express our highest selves, rather than our lowest. If people want to give their love, truly and without condition, I recommend you welcome it. Because surprisingly often, one of our unconscious strategies is to avoid letting love in when it’s truly presented to us. Because we don’t believe that we are worthy, but that’s just a fiction. But if someone wants to give us their power, it is best that we compassionately resist, and guide them and encourage them to stand in their own power, even if it feels unfamiliar. And if someone starts trying to surreptitiously take our power, I strongly suggest you compassionately nip it in the bud super early, because when it comes to power games, if you give them an inch, they will probably take as many miles as they possibly can, and if you begin turning a blind eye to some of their transgressions, don’t be surprised if in time it makes you completely blind, or acquiescent, to their abuses. Instead, let’s simply open ourselves to giving and receiving love, and whilst exercising sufficient boundaries to ensure that power dynamics remain broadly equal, and stable, even if at times they need to be dynamic to compensate for the ebbs and flows of life. Infinite love. Balanced power. And while we are at it, great communication. Its an excellent recipe for relationship success in all areas of life.

Will & the Team, xxx.