Three Ways Donald Trump Could Benefit From Meditation

It’ll help him stay in fine physical form

When a man oozes as much masculinity as Donald Trump, there is the ever-present danger of over-oozing, draining him of his precious essence and leaving him depleted and weak. Even Thor, the Norse god of thunder, has to take time off every now and then to replenish his energy in the space-city of Asgard, and Donald Trump is no different.

It seems clear that his man-off with Kim Jong-un, watched from a distance with a mixture of fear, admiration and (let’s face it) arousal by the general public, will soon reach its inevitable conclusion. Before long, they’ll tear off their shirts and, roaring mightily, take to the ring for a wrestling match that will once and for all decide which of the two of them has the most monumental balls. It’s imperative for the future security of America that Donald Trump is at his physical peak at this moment, and utilising the energy-boost that meditation can give him.

It will sharpen his formidable intellect

As we all know, Donald Trump is very highly educated and has all the best words, words he uses to devastating effect when tweeting famous actresses, former muscle men and heads of state to take them down a peg or two. Whether he’s interacting with other intellectual heavyweights like the leaders of Britain First and those people who think the world is controlled by intergalactic lizards, or carefully explaining that his hands are actually very large and he doesn’t have a problem in “that area”, he often astounds us with his challenging and innovative thinking. But with meditation, his already enormous brain could grow further, like a terrifying soufflé with its hands on the nuclear codes.

Women will find him even more attractive

As a confident, powerful and good-looking man, Donald Trump already knows he is extremely attractive. “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected,” he once explained – and it’s true. Whether they realise it or not, women are intoxicated by Trump’s presence, even if their minds are saying silly things like “I do not fancy this man”. His appeal is simply so powerful it actually skips past their conscious brain and grabs straight at their hearts 💖

But with meditation, his skin will improve, his physique will refine and he’ll stand even taller, glowing like a beautiful lava lamp. Melania’s obvious attraction to him will go through the roof, and it’s possible she’ll have to be restrained for her own safety, while other women will be doomed to admire him from a distance, tortured by the knowledge that he’ll never be theirs.

And there we have it! With just forty minutes of meditation every day, the noble and thick-skinned president will become (if possible) an even better leader and family man. However, it isn’t only handsome business moguls that can be improved with the practice of meditation. While we may have written this piece with tongue in cheek, the benefits of meditation are very real, and you can find out more on one of our free intro talks. See you there!